Nobody's Fault

Nobody’s fault - but especially not your own

“Mediocre”, “lazy” and “incompetent” don’t exist anymore. Adrian Furnham looks at the alternative for the underachiever.

Have you come to accept the fact that your work ambitions and dreams may never be realised? Is it now dawning on you that you will probably end up among the mediocre, middle-brow, middle managers in dreary suburbs? Is your fine future behind you? For those suffering a middle-aged crisis, the fact that they will probably never make it is difficult to accept. Somehow getting fit, taking a new (very young) lover, swapping the sedate sedan for racy sports car, or even braving the horrors of a hair transplant does not compensate for that senior manager's or director's job. And as you look back, how do you explain this unfortunate state of fairs? Certainly, it is easier to admit to bad luck rather than bad judgement. It is unfashionable now to blame your parents, and , politically incorrect to blame your spouse. Are you tired of being referred to as "a sandwich short of a picnic", an example of a person where "the lights are on but nobody's home"? Are you still offended when you hear it whispered at you do not have both oars in the water"? But wait - there is no need to be depressed. There is now a whole psychobabble industry based medicalising mediocrity. There are a wealth of serious conditions that can be fashionable excuses. Now you can discover that your lack of success has been a sort of medical condition that you have always suffered from. This is extremely good news. First, no one (save God and your genes) is to blame. Not your teachers, employers, spouse etc or, of course, yourself. You have had, and do have, a serious and seriously ignored condition which has hampered your attempts to lead a successful life. You are not dim, work-shy or lazy. No indeed, you are a chronic sufferer from a recently discovered syndrome! Indeed, this medical problem - for which there is no known cure - can probably account for all the setbacks you have met in life. That E for A- level Maths; that border-line 2:2 at the poly; the fact that your probationary period was extended before the job was confirmed, and that extended period at supervisory level rather than junior management. This condition explains it all. Further, finding the root of your problems means both that you deserve sympathy (rather than blame), and perhaps even compensation by various bodies that failed to spot the problem. So what are your options?

Dyslexia (or word blindness). This is all the rage as famous people and ordinary mortals have discovered why they did so badly at school. If you fancy a sort of one-up on this condition, you could try the more upmarket versions like surface dyslexia (difficulties with irregularly spelled words); phonological dyslexia (cannot read unfamiliar or unpronounceable words); or, (the best) direct dyslexia (where one can read words aloud without understanding in the least what one is saying). The fact that you were a slow reader and a clumsy writer may be due to this distressing condition, which has hampered all your exam progress and later communication.

Chronic fatigue. There are lots of possibilities here, and all are to do with a mysterious virus which renders you incapable of any sort of hard work for months, or even years. There is no cure, although reclining on a sofa while watching "Richard and Judy." is said to alleviate the worst symptoms. You certainly cannot do tedious tasks such as putting up shelves or shopping, which only makes matters worse. This could account for the fact that you never seemed to achieve much at school, or that your work rate was well behind others.

Post-traumatic stress disorder. Wonderful opportunities here too, because the stress which causes the trauma may go back years. Bullying at school may help explain middle-aged work malaise. The idea is that a stressful event (choose anything you like) causes a serious reaction, that, uncounselled of course, may last for years. Because stress is subjectively defined, you can play up the trauma. Long-buried memories of having your sherbet dip nicked in the playground can be built up into something truly spectacular.

Attention-deficit / hyperactive disorder (ADHD). Ideal for the younger failure. If you a prefer a more specialist problem within the confines of this dysfunction, you may wish to try "oppositional defiant disorder", "manic episode disorder", and "adjustment disorder". The diagnostic criteria are aggressiveness (history of being a bully), destruction of property (fire-setting for example), deceitfulness, or even theft and a serious violation of the rules. It basically means that you cannot sit still, pay attention, or do any serious work for more than a couple of minutes.

There are countless conditions to choose from in the standard psychiatric textbooks. How about undifferentiated somatoform disorder, characterised by unexplained physical complaints lasting at least six months. But beware factual disorder which, in plain English, is the telling of fibs with the specific aim of assuming a sick role. It is defined as the intentional production or feigning of physical or psychological signs and symptoms. Curiously, this syndrome demands that incentives for this behaviour like economic gain, avoiding legal responsibilities, or improving well-being, are absent. But if you do not understand psychiatric textbook jargon, or you simply cannot find the syndrome from which you suffer, do not despair. In this DIY world of psychiatry, you need only create one yourself. Make it sound pretty medical; start a patients' support group; lobby your MP and local hospital. In a short space of time, you may even become a celebrity, which would, of course, have the paradoxical effect of curing the problem you started with in the first place!

Adrian Furnham is professor of psychology at University College, London